{The long goodbye.}
Spending time in the transition between what was and how I remember what was, facts are curling, memories are forming. I am caught in that tender spot where I still expect to hear Percy’s little trot-trot-trot on the kitchen floor. To see his little face appear as he enters a room, propelled by a tail that wags so happily it is a blur. Present tense, not past. Not yet. Where in the quiet dark of the night familiar household forms assume the appearance of him. A pillow on the floor, the semblance of his sleeping body, nestled. Later, his outline is suggested by a white paper bag of stale bread placed by the backdoor. Lit by moonlight and softened by sleepy, unfocused eyes, one small inanimate bag is momentarily capable of reconstructing itself into the animate beloved. Conjured before my eyes, my sweet canine sits waiting to go outside. Tomorrow's breadcrumbs for birds no longer.
Shadows too, they are in on the lark. Out the corner of my eye, they tumble into his shape in a game of shadow-play tomfoolery. Percy, he appears in the negative spaces as often as the positive. It is a game of pleasing, flexible deception that lets me know he is near. And tied to this close presence is the sense that I am already forgetting particular things about him. The feel of his fur, the sound of his conversations, the size of the cataracts in his eyes (were they the same in both eyes?), the baldness of his underbelly, the symmetrical swirls of his hair on his back chops, his dark muzzle before it greyed. Photos and small films, they fill in the gaps, but only from one camera angle. They are already as reliable as my recollections, a coloured echo.
But I remember him on our walks, now more than ever, as I tread a path that is as familiar as it is not. The same path, different tempo, my passage now is less stop-start-stop. I can still place him pulling at the lead to get to a smell or to leave a mark on the fence post for another. I feel his absence, walking 'dogless' in the park. And I remember the heavy warmth of his little body on his last day as Louise and I held him in our arms. I remember the faint green of the mixture that travelled up the clear tubing that put him to final sleep. I remember seeing his little right front paw buckle and thinking: oh, that’s it, it’s happening right now, his departure, this is goodbye and it is swift. I remember the calmness of him, and the unobtrusive gentleness of his vet. I remember thinking this is hard; stay calm for Percy’s sake, and Louise’s, and the vet, Craig. I remember thinking this was the best ending for a dear little chap. The ending we’d promised when we adopted him five years ago. A good final chapter, full of love, care, and time spent rolling in the grass. Of walks where he could set the initial pace and later we’d fall into slack-lead rhythm. I remember that he looked at peace, lying there on the table. And though his eyes remained open, I remember that he looked like he was sleeping. A toy flea for a pillow and my old jumper for a blanket. And now, some days later, I remember what a dear little soul he was. He gave us such love and loyalty. He taught us so much. He shall always be missed.
Percy passed away four days into the New Year. We believe he was sixteen years old, but we don’t know anything of his life before we adopted him from a rescue group. However we do know he loved cats, and small children, especially small children offering him bits of biscuit or toast. He had a certain fondness, too, for men who drank turpentine for breakfast. He is being cremated and we will bury his ashes in the front garden that he loved to be in. We will lay him to rest alongside his dear buddy, Omar. Together they can keep guard, keep warm, keep company. Together, in a nest of flowers. Always.
Thank-you for all your heartfelt messages about our dear Mr. P. It has meant so very much to both of us. Thank-you.
Oh Perce! How empty the house without you.
{The last walk on the last day.}
{To Perce. Forever. To Perce. Dearly missed. xo}
+ Percy, in the clouds!
+ Yes, a very good first day of the year, leisurely worn in
+ To the dog belongs the Saturday
+ Loosen up, unwind, unbend, and take it easy
+ In summation